What am I missing?
What is it that I just don’t get?
Is God waiting for me to have a revelation? In my mind I think how he must be tired of waiting, but because I know how good he is, I don’t question him. But now I have to question me.
Is this where I’m supposed to be? Alone? Did I miss something?
I’m blank. Not empty. I’m blank.
This is what I do. I feel, and then I go blank. I don’t put it away, I don’t keep it inside-I wipe it off. Blank sheet. Nothing.
I have to think that I missed something. That somewhere, sometime, maybe it had to do with someone-I missed it. Because I don’t know if I’m supposed to be here.
I know my other entry may have been cause for concern…but that’s what I am when I’m not blank.
It seems that to everybody I am something…but not the same except for the common factor is that I’m stability to them. It’s almost an oxymoron. How could someone see me and see stability-when I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be, who I want to be, if I even like what I’ve turned out to be.
I hope it worked out. I hope to God I didn’t do or say anything that hindered him from being the best that he can be. From showing them exactly who he is.
He’s leaving me. And why shouldn’t he. I have loved him inside of me and on the outside, I’ve been blank.
He’s staying because he doesn’t want to be alone again. He’s not happy. It’s unbearable, but it’s true. My heart is breaking and as much as I want to call and scream and yell and tell him how much I love him, I can’t bother him. This could be the most important day of his life. The last thing he needs is the emotional, unstable bitch that he calls a girlfriend to mess up his state of mind. I picture him celebrating. I picture him happy and laughing…I hope he got his victory today. And if he did, I’ll know. He’ll never get anywhere with me, I don’t think it can work. He gave me hope that it wasn’t like that, but as long as it took me to accept it…he wiped it away so quickly. I told him I’d never walk away again, and I don’t want to. But he won’t do it-and based on what he said-based on how he was-it’s better for him.
No wedding. No ring, no pretty dress, no happily ever after. And no ruining another person’s life that just doesn’t deserve it. I’m stuck here. Stuck in my loneliness, in my hurt, in my pain, in my anger, in my sadness…and I’ve been stuck so long that I’m blank.
I’m not missing anything. I’m missing everything.
I am broken…I’m missing my soul. I’m missing my heart. I’m missing the basic drive to even want to be alive…but I wipe it all away. I move in monotony…and I always thought it was applaudible that I could shut out all the noise…I’m too good at it.
I know how to make it silent. I know how not to feel. I know how not to be. And now I know-there’s no coming back from it.
I have made him suffer. He wants to see the best in me, but there’s nothing good left here. I should have left well enough alone. I don’t deserve his love. I don’t deserve his goodness. I don’t deserve any part of all the rewards he is going to receive just simply for daring to dream. The only dream I have is to have peace. And in my mind, that peace only comes with death.
This is so hard. How can people love you if they truly don’t know you? Can they love what they think you are? Will they still love you when they find out who you are? I guess I’m preparing myself. There’s a whole world of people better suited, just better for him. I will be thankful for the time that I’ve had. And I’ll let him go…he deserves to be happy.
I’m missing my heart. SON has part of it, he will bring it back. Mr. has the other part that I didn’t think I had. It’s safe with him, but I won’t ever hold him back.
The body is controlled by the brain and the heart. I’ve always had the brain…but now I’d give anything to have my whole heart back. Everything.
I guess I do get it. I have to maintain. I can’t depend on others, that’s not what they are there for. They can’t take it. I know better than to try to make anyone understand how I feel. I shouldn’t even acknowledge keeping things in, I should just do it and put on the happy face. I’ve been selfish. How can they get me when I don’t get me. And maybe if I loved me, they could too.
I won’t expect anybody to do things I can’t do.
I am missing me. And I don’t know where to find me.
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