You win. You all win. Every person that has hurt me. Each person that I have wronged that was waiting for me to get mine. Any person, that for whatever reason, wanted me to suffer. You win.
Is victory sweet?
You know, I’ve spent a long time telling myself that I’m not a victim of my circumstance. But just as you had hoped…I am. Just as I’ve told many lies-the person that can look me in the face and call me the biggest liar-is ME. You took my childhood, you took my innocence, you took my ability to love, you took my ability to trust, you took my dreams, you took my hope, you took my heart. Little by little, piece by piece…I’m a shell of a person that I could have been. I’m a lie on the outside and empty on the inside. And now the basic things that I should have learned as I child…I can’t have. It’s too late.
You win.
I let what you did, enable me to justify doing others wrong. But don’t worry-I got it all back. And then some.
You win.
And for those of you that are on the outside looking in…you don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know how I work, you don’t know who I am, you don’t know anything but what you think you see. And that is not me…it’s a shell of a person who could have been. If my suffering makes you happy-you should be upset that you wasted any time. I’m a pitiful soul that has been suffering all along. I can put my words on paper as sharp as knives to pierce your soul, but I can’t give any single emotion that is ever right. I’ve been suffering.
You win.
I’m only sorry now for the people that really don’t win. How can you ever know how sorry I am? How can you ever know how much I don’t want to be who I am, but I’m trapped inside my own existence? How can you ever know that I blame myself that even if you didn’t have a choice-I wish you never had to be a part of my life. Not because I don’t love who you are or what you’ve been to me. But simply because I’ve been a waste of YOUR time.
A child…completely innocent-given to someone that doesn’t deserve all the goodness, all the blessings, all the joy that you have brought. Everything about you that’s beautiful, is everything that is not like me. Everything that hurts you, is because of me. Everything that you are looking for, is everything I should have been able to give you-but I can’t. And every good thing you do will be because of who YOU are. Not me.
A father and a mother who believed in me. That gave me all the tools I needed to be everything that I’m not. I wish you didn’t love me. It would make more sense. You still hope that I can be someone that is worth being. But I can’t. I don’t know how. You believe in me, but I gave up on me a long time ago. I just wasn’t brave enough to say it. It’s not your fault.
A sister that I don’t understand, but now your actions make sense. There’s nothing good about me. So maybe you’re the only one that can be honest enough to admit it.
A brother who has so much ahead of him. Be your own person. Be who you are, and don’t ever look back on me as somebody you look up to. There’s nothing here to be proud of. There’s nothing here that you should want to be as part of your life. Love your life. Love who you are. I’ve tried to, but I can’t.
I don’t want to live. I feel so ungrateful for the things that I’ve been blessed with-but I’m here again. Maybe I was always here and I pretended not to be…but I’m here. God trusted me with what he gave to me. God thought I could be better. How much will I be punished for telling God he is wrong. I can’t take this life. I can’t be responsible for hurting anybody else. I can’t. I don’t want to.
Why should I?
I know I have to. But I should want to. And I don’t.
So I’m going to wipe my eyes. Get up. Put on my shell and go on about my business.
That’s what I do.
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